Batman: Ho, Ho, Holy Shit

Found this the other day– a year ago, I wrote this little “article” in response to the All Star Batman and Robin comic that was at the absolute height of its insanity. The following is a blogger’s correspondence with an insider at DC Comics about some big rumors around the Holidays…

To: DFP@awesomeo.com
From: XXXX@dccomics.com
Subject: omfg big DC news!

OK, so word around the office tells me DC wants to do a Holiday All Star line-up, where they’ve contacted brilliant artist and writer teams to put together holiday one-shots about their favorite characters (Dini and one of the Kuberts is a confirmed). It’s kind of ambitious, and they’re even apparently talking about crossing over barriers between themselves and the folks downtown at Marvel, to make some kind of New Year celebratory crossover comic. I keep hearing expressions like “Bigger than Crisis” and “Inter-Company Civil War” being bandied about. Crazy stuff—I’ll keep you posted.

To: DFP@awesomeo.com
From: XXXX@dccomics.com
Subject: Lantern + Dead Robin = OMFG

Dude, I was completely wrong about the Marvel/DC thing. Turns out they’re actually still pretty pissed at each other, and they were actually thinking about copying the new Spider-Man: Brand New Day thing to put out something like Green Lantern/Jason Todd or whatever. It was supposed to kick off something semi-weekly thing. I thought it was like 52, but it’s more like four issues a month. I don’t know why they think that’s a good idea, but it’s apparently starting in conjunction with some mystery holiday book that’s due out this Christmas. Jesus this industry is loony.

To: DFP@awesomeo.com
From: XXXX@dccomics.com
Subject: Batman Xmas?

I am so sorry about the crap info, man. I hope you didn’t post this anywhere. All right, they might still be planning a GL/JT thing, but the Christmas All Star book is definitely true stuff. Word is it’s Batman, and a writer attached who rhymes with Mank Filler (Frank Miller). I heard they’re BEGGING him for a one-shot book that puts Batman in a Christmas story to kick off some kind of event. I don’t know much about it, but guaranteed, you’ll be the second one to know. Maybe third.

To: DFP@awesomeo.com
From: XXXX@dccomics.com
Subject: woah

I think this e-mail speaks for itself. It got forwarded to the whole staff. Sam choked on a pretzel. I thought he was going to die. Paul just keeps talking to himself and going back and forth in his office:

To: Plevitz@dccomics.com
From: GDFM@frankmiller.com
Subject: BATMAN XMAS $$$$

I’ve got three words for you: “BATMAN: HO, HO, HOLY SHIT”

This is the title of your soon-to-be-published, twelve issue series. It starts and ends on Christmas. It’s about Batman. It covers every area of the goddamn Batman’s entire life: his parents (they’re dead), his gay butler (Jarvis or whatever) and those other people. You know what? Fuck them. It’s about Batman. That’s what people want to see, that’s what they pay their Benjamins for, that’s what the goddamn book’s about. It’s got batarangs and tits and guns and everything you know sells these stupid things. I’m gonna write and draw the whole thing, it’ll be on time (or not—I haven’t decided yet), it’ll replace ALL the other Batman books you have, it’ll retcon the stories that are going on right now, and you’d better believe the Big Blue Homo himself is going to be a big part of it. You want in? You want to publish some greenbacks in the shape of bats for a whole year? You give me the OK and we’re in business.

FRANK

To: DFP@awesomeo.com
From: XXXX@dccomics.com
Subject: um….

So apparently DC didn’t tell Miller anything about this. Miller wants to write the book (and draw it…?) himself. He’s got big plans for DC, apparently. Paul OK’ed the idea, and instantly regretted it. Miller refused to answer any phone calls or talk about story until he got a contract. About two minutes after the message went out that we’re publishing… Batman: HHHS… Paul got this message:

You want a story? Oh I’ll give you a goddamn story. Picture THIS:

We’re close on this fat bastard of a human being dressed like Santa Claus. He’s sweaty and he’s gross and he’s missing teeth (he’s about to miss more) and his fake beard is hanging off his face. It’s raining (when isn’t it, right?) and he’s standing over this woman. She’s dressed all fancy, like she works or something. I don’t know. We’ll put her in whatever clothes are easier to draw. Maybe a toga. I saw 300 the other day and it didn’t have enough male camaraderie, if you know what I mean. Kind of disappointing. Anyway, she’s all helpless and whatever, but she’s still putting up a pretty good fight. That’s when the DKR himself comes smashing down the alley laughing like someone who is awesome, and we find out he’s been there just long enough to make the punk think he’s gonna make it. Batman lands on the asshole’s back and crushes his spine. This is where the Santa rapist guy says something like “Oh my god my spine!” Batman cocks his head around and says, “It’s called a LESION, PUNK. Know what that means? Means you’re gonna get a big heapful of TETRAPLEGIA in your stocking. It’ll NEVER heal right. Not NEARLY right. Gonna need a ramp for that SLEIGH of yours, DOUCHEBAG.” The Santa guy is crying and Batman kneels down in front of him and smiles like Clint Eastwood and says something awesome like, “Shut up!” It’s around now when Batman notices this gorgeous woman in glasses and walks up to her. He holds his hand out like an absolute GENTLEMAN and helps her up. She brushes herself off and immediately swoons. She can’t think of anything to say, so she just says “Merry Christmas” all quiet and dreamy, even though it’s a comic book and you can’t hear it, but I’ll figure out how to make it work because I’m Goddamn Frank Miller and I’m the best comic book writer/drawer/movie director EVER. Anyway Batman is immediately in the air swinging by a ROPE and says “Not in MY town!”

After you change your pants, you’ll only have to guess what issue TWO has got going on. I’ll give you a sneak peek: Robin BOFFS Catwoman! Just kidding. He’s gay

FRANK

I think Paul locked himself in his office. We’ve been hearing sobs all day.

~ by Crivelliman on December 9, 2008.

3 Responses to “Batman: Ho, Ho, Holy Shit”

  1. Hahaha

  2. lol. He’s the GDFM.

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